July is half over this week. Half over. I'm trying to let that sink in.
This has been a challenge of a month for me. Being the one year anniversary of the time my life fell into shambles has triggered so many sad and difficult memories that I've spent a lot of time alone and melancholy. I don't like to be with others when I'm hurting because I don't want to be morose or depressed and make others feel the same. If I can't be a positive contributor to the party I don't want to be there. So I've spend lots of time alone with my thoughts.
Of course the flip side of that is that being with others can distract us from our sadness and allow us to focus on other things. So its all about balance and making a judgment call. When I feel well enough to go out and mingle its good for me. But when I don't think I can handle the crowd I stay away. I'm constantly weighing my emotional stability when making decisions about what I'm going to do. And that's burdensome in and of itself. So July has been a difficult month and I;m not sorry to see it moving along. However, I don't see that changing with a new month because, just like the death of a loved one, the kind of trauma I've been through will continue to haunt me throughout this year of "firsts", I know that. July is only the beginning.
I liken it to death because that's truly what it was and I know from past experience that its a long process to recover from. I think the problem with "anniversaries" is that just when you feel you've begun to make great progress in your recovery, those anniversaries keep coming around. Knowing they'll get better with time doesn't really help all that much when you're in the midst of the pain.
So I'm not sad to see July go by. But I'm not really relieved either, because I know its not over. Anniversaries can be joyful experiences. But they can also be painful ones.
Fortunately this is a busy time of the year, and East Hampton has never been prettier than it is right now. So while I may have my ups and downs emotionally, all I need to do is drive down to the beach and sit awhile to feel the peace wash back over me. And that is a real blessing...