I will admit that this has been the most confusing time of my life.
I remember so well those teenage years when the questions never stopped: Will I have a family some day? How many children will I have? Will anyone ever want to marry me? What will my career be? What should I study in college? What do I believe about God? What is my purpose in life? And on and on and on....always questions about the future and the present - never about the past.
Now my questions are often about the past: Did I make too many mistakes? Did I marry the wrong person? Should I have pursued more education? Should I have waited to start a family? Should I have moved to another community? Again, lots of questions...but mostly not about the future. Because at this age, our future seems to be determined by our past to a large extent. And our past is what generally predicts our future.
I'd like to think there is still time to do something different with my life because I don't feel as though I've accomplished much with it so far. But it seems as though time is running out. And while I thought I was doing something important in my life, now I question that assumption and as I said in my first sentence, confusion abounds.
I do believe that God can still use my life for good in this world. Perhaps I haven't lived up to my potential at this point and maybe I've failed to do what I should have been doing all these years, I don't know. But more important at this point is how do I figure out where to go from here? And what to do with what's left?
Oh the questions never end. And the confusion never wanes. What a weird time this is for me! I'm hoping for clarity one of these days. But maybe this is just the natural order of things. Its just difficult to go from feeling content and fulfilled one day to realizing so much of what I knew and loved was nothing more than a fantasy the next. And that certainly doesn't create contentment and peace now, does it?
Well...maybe in the next life...