Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Seasonal

Sometimes the change of seasons makes me very philosophical. I am definitely feeling that way right now.

I suppose this has to do with my life and all the changes I've experienced over the past almost one year now. It began in the heat of the summer, when I was shocked at the revelation that my marriage was about to dissolve. How could that be? After all those years of loyalty and love? Impossible! Why?

By the fall I had fallen into despair at my new reality and by the time the winter hit I was in the depths of it completely. I had a hard time moving from one day to the next, always keeping a good face on for the public to see but inwardly feeling as though my life was over and all that had to happen now was the funeral. 

But then as winter came to a close and spring began to show its face, new hope dawned. Call it the seasons of the soul perhaps. New hope was springing up as new life was emerging. It came in the form of a spiritual awakening, and then the confidence that nothing was happening to me that wasn't in God's control. I realized that my new independence was making me stronger and tougher than I'd ever been, and it wasn't such a bad idea to learn how to make it alone in the world. After all, I've got skills and abilities and I'm not a stupid person. Why should I depend so heavily on another person anyway? I was beginning to come out of my hole with the hope that I can and will be OK, whatever the future holds.

Now that spring is completely here I'm feeling more optimistic and looking forward to the next chapter in my life. I've no idea where its taking me and I don't really care. Because I feel confident in the fact that I've grown stronger and smarter and no one will ever again be able to fool me  into thinking they care more about me than they do anything else. Somehow I thought that just because I was giving my all, it was coming right back to me! Silly me! I'll never make that mistake again. The only person I can count on is myself and that's the way it will be from here on out.

My year of pain and heartache and self-discover is nearly over now and I'm happy to see it come to an end. Not because I think its over, because I'm not sure those things can ever be completely over. But because I'm ready for anything now. I'm my own person. Not some body's wife, or mother, or daughter - I'm just myself. And I only have myself to please. I'm not worrying about anybody else at this point. Its time for me now. So look out world - here I come!

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