Sunday, March 19, 2017

Unknowns

I'm a complete control freak. I know this about myself. I think from a very early age, control was an issue for me. 

I had a difficult relationship with my father and never had a sense of safety or confidence in my youth, often feeling lost and alone despite coming from a big family. I wasn't a loner necessarily, but just never felt as though I belonged anywhere and never felt the comfort or self-worth that comes from having a strong parent-child bond with both one's parents. I'm sure it wasn't unlike the feelings some children grow up with when they've been abandoned, or their parents divorce - thinking they aren't in a secure, loving place if it were. There's something to be said for growing up with two parents who remind you that you are loved and treasured and will always be safe with them. I didn't have that and I think my control issues are a result of that history.

Anyway, I didn't start out to talk about my childhood but rather the problems I'm dealing with now that have to do with control and value in my life. Being through a trauma like I've been through tends to make one question both those things, and being that they were tenuous at best to begin with means they are in tiny little pieces now. I'm sure a counselor would say that the reason I've lost so much weight, and am continuing to lose it, has everything to do with the fact that what I put in my mouth is just about the only thing I can control right now in my life. And no doubt those ugly issues of worthiness continue to arise from my psyche simply because if I never really felt "good enough" before, why would I now? If anything the opposite is true. So - there you have it. I should have a degree in psychology for all the books I've read on it! And I do "get" the concepts.

I'm sure the "unknowns" in life are difficult for everyone to deal with, and surprise sits around every corner whatever road you're on, but for me, who has spent my entire life trying to work toward the goal of financial and emotional security for my old age, always combating my demons as best I knew how, this issue of the unknowns ahead is especially frightening. Some you expect, like illness or even death, and know they are inevitable. Some are impossible to foresee. And when they come, as they did for me, its easy to get panicky. I have moments when my heart palpitates so fast I think its jumping right out of my body and I can break out in a cold sweat just sitting with the check book trying to pay my bills.


Perhaps if I'd had a crystal ball when I was younger I would be in a whole different place today than I am now. Or perhaps I would have made the same mistakes and followed the exact same road but with new insight and maybe the ability to change directions at certain times. 

Of course, that's not the way life works is it? So I'll just have to face the unknowns and keep walking forward, into the fray, prepared for battle and bravely taking on the dragons as they appear.

So much easier said than done. But I'm working on it.

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