Its amazing really how we can sometimes be surrounded by people and yet feel as though we're completely alone. You see it on a subway train in NYC all the time - people in complete solitude on a crowded train. They're reading, or listening to music on headphones, or just in their own dreamworld, completely oblivious to the clamor and noise around them.
I've experienced that a lot these past months as I've often been with people but mentally in another world altogether. I sometimes struggle to stay with the conversation around me as I drift off into thoughts about my life and the recent things that have happened. Its difficult to always be "in the moment" when so much of my thought process is dwelling on the past right now. I'm always thinking about things that happened, mulling over the "what-ifs" and the "whys". Everything, including every memory, is tainted now and my thoughts are never far from the questions about my existence and my purpose in life.
I read a quote recently about how memories are all that are left when we get older and that's perhaps the most difficult thing about my life right now. My memories, even the really good ones, have all been tainted. Many are ruined forever and lost to me in my happy place. And that's one of the most painful things about this turn in my life. I know I can make new memories, and certainly plan on doing that, but time is short for me now and I'll greatly miss all those years of wonderful memories I can no longer enjoy. I miss them very much.