Saturday, January 28, 2017

Saturdays

My Saturdays have changed so much in the past six months that I rather dread them now. They are days full of work and loneliness for the most part.

For all my life I've looked forward to Saturdays. I loved having kids home from school. I liked doing fun things with them when they were young. Early on my husband worked on Saturdays, but by the time we'd been married 10 years he changed careers and had weekends off so Saturdays became even more fun. We worked around the house in the morning, getting cleaning and house jobs done, so the afternoons were free for other things. During many years that meant high school football games or  some other school based event that the kids wanted to attend or were involved in. And even in the later years when the kids were no longer here, we found things to do together on Saturdays, which were our only days with only each other. I loved that. And I miss it now.

I think one of the things I most miss is the future that isn't to be now. I was very much looking forward to my husband retiring soon, going part time this past fall and eventually being completely retired once SS was available. I had so many plans for our new found time together - weekend trips to various places, projects to do together, and just more time to do the things we enjoyed. That's all gone now and Saturdays remind me of the loss. I think that's why I don't like to even get out of bed on Saturdays anymore.

Some Saturdays I lie in bed thinking about the empty day ahead, with no meetings to go to and no one to need me, and I wish I could just sleep the day away. Its hard to motivate yourself when you don't feel necessary in the grand scheme of things. And Saturdays make me feel that way.

I'm hoping to one day have more purpose to my weekends, because even Sundays can be lonely for me now. It makes me want to travel just to get away from this empty house, but I don't see that as an option in the near future. Besides, what fun is that with no one to share the adventures?

I was not meant to be alone, I know that. But its my reality now and I need to adjust to it. Perhaps being alone wouldn't be as difficult if I had good memories to keep me company, but even those are gone now. And knowing that life will forever now be solitary (and lonely) for me is hard. For the most part I think I've adjusted really well. And I'm happy most of the time. But then....along comes Saturday...

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