Friday, January 6, 2017

Debris

I just spent another two hours in my bedroom cleaning closets out. Its embarrassing to even admit this, but I have bags and bags of clothing to go. But the cleaning process has provided me with a lot of time to think as I go through my clothes.

I've struggled with my weight since I was a child and its no surprise that the struggle followed me into adulthood, but I've gained some insight to the issue of late. I realize that there have been times when I've had this problem under control and those times have been the happiest ones of my life. Those were periods when my self-esteem was high and I was happy and content. And then there were times when things were not as good, and my weight showed it.

I've been sorting into three categories, because all of the clothes I owned before October of this year are too big for me now. So some bags go to Maureen's Haven (the local homeless shelter, perfect for sweaters and sport clothes), some go to the bins at the dump from St. Vincent DePaul (old tee shirts, jeans, etc) and the great majority are going to Dressed for Success (for women who need clothing for job interviews and business meetings, etc). This way I don't feel as though I'm tossing good clothing and someone in need can use them.  So far I have 13 bags ready for Dressed for Success. And I'm not done yet.

One of the interesting things is that some clothes still have tags on them. I look at them, pulled from the back recesses of my closet, and I wonder why. And then I remember bringing that piece home and finding it was a little tight, but I really liked it so I put it away for that time when I lost enough weight for it to fit just right. (Anyone who struggles with their weight will understand this mentality.) Regardless, I raced right by them in my quick weight loss and now none of them work. I even had a "goal dress" way in the back that's about 30 year old. It's huge on me now. I have sizes 14, 16, 18, 1XL, 2XL......all packed into white garbage bags.

My big epiphany was this: For the first time in my life I feel good about myself. I realize I'm in the process of getting rid of the things that are no longer good for me. I'm streamlining my closets, my relationships, my home, and my mind. I'm taking back my life and learning that my self-worth is not predicated on what someone else thinks of me, or how someone else treats me, or how anyone else lives their own lives. I'm in control here and this is a new beginning. And I'm never going back.

No need for debris in my life anymore. From now on everything makes me feel worthy and loved or it goes. I wish I'd learned that lesson many years ago. But even at this late date it feels really good to understand it.

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