Monday, December 12, 2016

Struggles

Yesterday, and Saturday for that matter, were both days of struggle for me. I keep thinking I'm making progress emotionally, and honestly I guess it is progress, just two steps forward and one step back all the time. So progress is v e r y slow.

I fully expect that family and friends are tired of my struggle. I try not to share it with too many people and most of the world thinks I'm doing well, so I'm happy to perpetuate that idea. And honestly I guess I am doing pretty well, but there is this impatient part of me that wants to feel normal again, and I'm coming to terms with the idea that "normal" will never be the same and I need to adjust to a new normal. Its just not one I'm too crazy about and I miss my old normal. Of course I know now that what my life used to be was not really normal anyway, but I thought it was and I was happy with it. What a mess my life has turned out to be.

So this is the new question I'm asking myself lately: Where do I want my new normal to go? And the follow-up questions: What do I want it to be like? Does it involve a move to a new community? Does it mean a new church? Will I be happier in another place where nobody knows me and I can begin a new journey? What would that look like if I did make a move? Is it only a matter of time or do I need a fresh start someplace else? Etc. etc...And finally, how do I get the answers to these questions?

I suppose the bigger issue is that no one has the answers to these questions and even if I made a decision it might be the wrong one. Clearly I'm not very good at making major life decisions so maybe I should just withdraw from the world and let decisions be made for me. I can honestly see why people do that. I understand a lot more about why people do the things they do now, that's for sure! But ultimately, that's not me. I'm a control freak, which is part of the problem lol!

I know that happiness is a fleeting thing and we need to discover it within ourselves. I'm trying hard to do that. But during my life I've never been terribly happy with myself and all my happiness has come from outside sources. So the idea of looking within is foreign to me. And I think its not going to be all that easy.

Oh life. What an unexpected turn you have taken.

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