Thursday, December 29, 2016

Adjustments

I've been making a lot of adjustments to my life based on my new reality and now that the holidays are pretty much over those adjustments continue. With a new year coming on quickly I feel as though I am ready to make all the changes needed to become as independent as I need to be and will be able to find contentment in my new life. Its not the life I ever imagined for myself, but I need to accept it since its been handed to me on a nice big silver platter. There's not a thing I can do to change it, so I need to deal with it.

Its funny how we think we know what our life's trajectory will be. I figured I would live out my life here as a married woman, or perhaps a widow, somewhat comfortable in the home I've created and secure in the finances we worked hard to secure. But when life throws you this kind of a curve ball everything is suddenly in question and one needs to alter both perceptions and plans to meet the need. I never expected that everything would be pulled out from under me, and that's been a difficult thing to come to terms with. When everything in your life comes into question, including your memories and the times you thought were happy, it shakes you for sure. Nothing seems real anymore and I find myself questioning everything I thought I knew and everything I counted on as truth. It has taken me down to the absolute base of my existence and I am re-thinking everything, from my own self-awareness to my ideas about life in general and what it is we're meant to be doing here. I haven't had any great awakenings in that area, but I do know that the only constant I trust in now is God and I lean on that for my strength when I feel weakest.

Nothing we do can ever prepare us for the kind of betrayal I've experienced. It goes against everything you were taught growing up, like treating other people the way you want to be treated - the golden rule and all that. Sometimes despite our own good intentions and pure actions, others can treat you badly and your kindnesses may never be returned to you. That's a tough lesson to learn and I wish I had better prepared my own children for the reality of it, because I certainly wasn't prepared.

But I have learned a lot about evil in the world and the willingness of others to be the conduit for that evil. I'm not the Pollyanna I used to be and I don't see the world through rose-colored glasses the way I used to. My biggest challenge now is not to allow myself to become tainted and bitter. Because that's NOT a lesson I want my children to learn.

With a new year facing me I'm making my own resolutions, which is not something I normally do.  But I do want to make myself less vulnerable, wiser and less trusting, but also more inclined to see the good in people. Because I realize now that not everything that looks good is, and not everything that looks bad is either. Hopefully I'll remain innocent enough to believe the good in people but not foolish enough to ignore the bad. Not every again. Ever.
 

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