I think by far the most difficult thing about this time in my life is the uncertainty of it all.
I have always been an organized person. Sometimes to a fault, for sure! I need things to follow their order, to be checked off the list, to be as planned. That's not always a good thing and I realize I need to sometimes be more spontaneous and loose with my time and energy.
But its not always a bad thing and the fact that my life has pretty much always followed a pattern of control and predictability is certainly working against me now. Because right now I feel as though I don't know what's happening from one day to the next.
I am really floating in the ocean without a paddle. I have only my Bible to guide me if that makes sense. I am using God's directions as much as possible, but that's sometimes like trying to find your way to a specific place with only a sexton to guide you: it may send you in the right direction, it may keep you from going too far off course, but the rest ifsa matter of luck and tenacity. Right now I am feeling completely out of both those things.
I'm not comfortable with this feeling of floating along not knowing which way to paddle. I need some guidance but its not forthcoming recently. I am learning to lay back and look at the stars and stop worrying so much about which way I'm going, but at the same time, I know if I don't get to land soon I'll probably drown. Hopefully a life raft will come floating by soon....