Monday, November 21, 2016

Mothers and friends

All week it seemed as though people were mentioning their deceased mothers' birthdays. Perhaps it was unusual or perhaps I only noticed it because my own mother's birthday was Thursday. But it struck me in any case that most of us miss our mothers when they are gone.

And that made me wonder about my own children and ask myself whether or not they would miss me when I am gone. I'm sure if we don't do a particularly good job of parenting, our children will not grieve too badly for us when we leave the earth.  And I imagine that if as adults our children are forced to take care of us or deal with our issues that may be another problem that would inhibit their grief some day. Even physical issues can be a problem because I know it can be a relief to finally say goodbye to a parent who has been in pain, or mentally unaware, for years sometimes.

My own mother was a great person, a strong Christian woman who lived her faith every day. I remember times she suffered through difficulties with her marriage and life was not always easy for her, but she rarely faltered in her walk with God and was always an example of the kind of person I wanted to be. She was a wise woman.

I fear I have failed to live up to her example and with these past months being so painful and difficult for me I imagine my own children are tiring of my needs. And that saddens me not only because of my imposition on them, but because I'm not being the strong person I want to be. I see how important it is to hide my emotions and be strong for them, but I fail as often as I succeed.

I am going to work harder at it because I know they need peace in their lives. And I want that for them too. Even more than I want it for myself. I just miss having the person in my life that I always confided in. And losing my best friend from childhood, my mother, and my husband means all my confidants are gone now. I miss them. The three people I basically shared everything with are all gone and as often as people suggest a therapist I know I'm not good at talking to strangers. Probably because I had these three people in my life up until now. Talking to someone who knows you well is not the same as talking to a stranger. That's a foreign and unpleasant
idea to me.

I certainly miss my mother now more than I ever have in the (nearly) ten years since she's been gone, and her birthday really brought that to mind. I wish I could talk with her one more time and get her advice and support as I navigate these treacherous waters. But I can't. And that's the biggest regret I have right now. Oh to get a bit of her wisdom one more time!!! And oh to be as wise as she was.

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