Well I must say I'm totally on schedule for the holidays so far. I've purchased and wrapped all the gifts, the decorations are up, I've mailed out my Christmas cards, and I've started baking Christmas cookies. I'd say that since its not even December yet I'm doing pretty well.
And yet - I'm always at this place on this date and somehow the panic still sets in at the last minute, every single year. Suddenly Christmas will be two days away and I'll be stressing about whether I've forgotten anyone, if everything is wrapped and ready, if I've picked up enough stocking stuffers, even if I have enough food in the house for the family that will be here. For whatever reason I worry too much about being organized enough, being prepared enough, basically just being "enough". And I think that's really what it boils down to at the end of the day. I wonder if I'm ever enough.
And this is the biggest concern I have for myself during this unsettled period in my life. I worry that my sense of self will be damaged beyond repair and I'll never again feel as though I get close to being "enough". Its something I've been striving for all these 64 years, and I still haven't quite gotten there, and now...well let's just say I've taken a major step backwards in the process.
So during these next few weeks, when I'm keeping myself busy and trying to get everything done on my multiple lists of things, I'm going to be stressing about meeting my own expectations as well as those of the people around me. Because I have always been, and will always be, my own worst enemy in that area. And the holidays, when I want everything to be perfect, are an invitation to failure. Recognizing that is the first step. Perhaps this year I'll finally realize that I am enough. And if anyone, including myself, doesn't get that, well too bad.