Monday, October 17, 2016

Weekends

I am beginning to dread the weekends.

It's an odd turn of fate, truly. Because they used to be my favorite part of the week, and now they are the worst. And because I remember so vividly my mother telling me after my father died how difficult Saturdays were for her because she didn't have her usual busy schedule and spent most of the time alone, thinking, missing him, etc. Now I totally get it.

Saturdays have been days when we worked around the house, each doing our own jobs and taking care of our own responsibilities, and yet we were not alone. We talked, we laughed, we worked together. And then, once the afternoon came around and we were done with our chores, we often watched a movie on the couch, or took a drive, maybe had lunch at the beach during any time of the year, sitting in his truck, watching the birds work and analysing the surf.. Whether or not we had something on the schedule for Saturday night, we had company - we had each other.

Now, of course, as busy as I try to be on the weekends, I'm alone. I dread it. And its impossible to get away from it. Even if I go out at night, I come home, nicely dressed and sometimes glowing from a nice evening, to an empty house. There is no one to review the evening's activities with, no one to ask what was meant by a comment made by someone else, no person that you know intimately to banter with like long-married couples do. And that's the real emptiness of the weekends. Being alone on the weekends is very evident no matter what is on the schedule. Its the time I feel the saddest.

In my mother's case I was lucky enough to live right next door, so once I knew she was having a hard time on Saturdays I made a point of walking over to visit in the afternoons. It was a perfect time because my partner was often watching sports on television, so rather than sit with him and knit or chat, I would take my knitting next door and talk with Mom for awhile
. It was good for both of us, filling the empty hours for her and giving me more time with someone I wouldn't always have with me. Now, in retrospect, I treasure those hours on Saturdays with Mom. And I have the new perspective that she treasured them as well. I totally get it.

Saturdays will never be the same for me. Even when they are busy, they feel empty. Its my new reality and I will adjust, but its going to take a long time.

1 comment:

Ben Reichart said...

We have to believe we are forced outside of our " comfort " zone to fulfill a purpose. At least that is what I think although I do require constant reminders of that. :) Being comfortable is easier, no doubt about that. You'll find a new normal, a new complacency in life.