I've realized that part of the difficulty in coping with my circumstances these past few months is that I've lost more than a spouse - I've lost a friend. And losing that friend comes on the heels of losing the two other closest friends in life.
My mother died in 2007. That was a huge blow for me because she was the person who was always there for me from the very beginning. I always had a difficult relationship with my father, but I adored my mother, and she's the one who gave me the strength I've carried through in my life in terms of moving forward during difficult times and knowing who I am and feeling secure in terms of my standards and integrity. She was my center in terms of my faith and my sense of right and wrong, of what kind of person wanted to be. I measured myself against her, always.
When I lost her, I was grateful to still have my spouse, who was the one other person who knew me intimately. I looked forward to him coming home from work every day, helping me entertain, being my aid and comfort during difficult times, and keeping me company. I loved his sense of humor and I loved seeing him come in the door.
And now they are all gone. And so I find myself longing for the back door to open, to see a smiling face come in, to have someone to sit with at night to watch TV or go grab a bite to eat with. And no one comes. I still have friends of course. But not these three.
So now I better understand my grief. Because its been building, one loss at a time, as these three people left my life, taking with them most of the security and self-confidence I had. But understanding that loss is helping me to deal with it. And overcome it. I will never get over losing any of them and will miss them all until the day I die myself. But life is about love, and loss. And right now the losses are starting to really add up. The balance is shifting. And its making me feel old. Yikes.