Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Corners

I think I have rounded a new corner in my journey. I know I've said that before, but this is a long process and even small steps forward feel huge to me. So maybe not a huge corner, but a corner nonetheless. And that feels good.

My biggest concern at this point in my life is to live without regrets. I don't want to regret the things I've said, or the things I haven't said. And that's not easy. I try to not respond in the heat of the moment, and yet occasionally I trip and know I mis-stepped. I'm not perfect, I know that, but I strive for perfection so making mistakes gets me down! I try not to make the same mistake twice, but I'm in very foreign territory right now and that's hard.

So if I've turned another corner in my life, I hope that means I'm closer and closer to being whole again and feeling like myself. Its been months now since I've felt at peace, and content, and protected and loved. I miss those feelings very much, but I'm inching my way back toward some of them. Some I may never experience again, I have no way of knowing at this point. But I have the confidence that I'm not to blame for the change and that helps.

Life is funny like that. One day you can be on top of the world and the next in the depths of despair, usually over the death of a loved one or a job loss or whatever. I think we mentally prepare for some eventualities, like death. But others are impossible to prepare for so they may be harder to overcome. I know this time in my life has been more difficult than the death of my mother was, and that was devastating to me. So I wonder.

In any case, life does not stand still for our grief. And although I am grieving for that which has been lost, I still have my faith and that keeps me strong. I am reminded of a book I read once about a flood on the campus of a Bible College down in Georgia. I had a good friend who had attended there so the book was especially interesting to me. One woman in the account had lost her entire family and at the funeral she made the statement "I may never be happy again, but I have the joy of the Lord". It struck me as so odd and I wrestled with that for a long time. For the very first time, I understand it. There is still joy in my life, through my faith, and my wonderful family that I love beyond measure. But there may always be a sadness too. And I'll just need to live with that.

No comments: