So I've come to a new place in my life right now and I'm happy to say I have found a "new normal". Although I still have very sad days and miss my old life, I can say to anyone going through a similar loss that the following are answers I've come to know:
Question: Will I ever be able to sleep again?
Answer: You will sleep again. And you'll feel good when you wake up instead of dreading the day.
Question: Will I ever be able to have a full and contented life alone?
Answer: You will have a new life, it will be a different life, but it will be a good life. All your other blessings are still around you. Embrace them and try not to dwell on what has been taken from you!
Question: Will I ever feel the same kind of love again?
Answer: Perhaps not. But the fact is that love was a rare and wonderful thing that you will keep in your heart and treasure and be grateful for having it once. Many people never experience it at all.
Question: Will I ever be able to put food in my mouth again without wanting to vomit?
Answer: Yes. And you will have to work hard to keep losing the weight that has fallen off of you in the time just past.
Question: Will my life ever feel settled?
Answer: I don't know that one yet. There are still so many unsettled things to deal with. But I have hope that it will. Because it seems that time, while not healing everything, is indeed forming that scar tissue that helps lessen the intense pain. The reminder may always be there. But life will be tolerable again!
These are the things I thought about on my morning walk. Because it was the first time in three months now that I haven't woken at 4 or 5am and been unable to go back to sleep because of my unsettled and grieving mind. I had to drag myself out for my morning walk. I could hardly believe it.
So my message today is there is hope. Life does, blessedly, go on. I am feeling optimistic that I will survive. Its a very big day.