Sunday, August 7, 2016

Clowns

This was a sad weekend for me. I was busy, and socializing, and trying to have fun...but there was a deep sadness that ran through all my busy days. I'm feeling very much alone right now.

Yesterday as I ran around doing things like going to the dump and watering the outdoor plants and window boxes, I remembered a song from my youth called "The Tears of a Clown". It talked about how we put on our game faces, smile for the world, but when no one is watching we do nothing but cry. I can so relate to that right now.

I remember quite a few years ago now - maybe 15 - someone telling me I had such a blessed life. I agreed that I did, but added "I don't like to think or talk about that too much because it seems as though it could all go away at any time and I know its not anything I earned so I'm afraid of losing it." And I was.

And I have. Its that harsh reality that makes me sad. I have moments where I think I'm in a bad dream and will wake soon. But then I know its real and there will be no waking from this nightmare. My spirit is crushed and my soul is aching.

So I put on my game face - because no one wants to see the tears. And I go out into the world and smile and laugh and pretend that I'm fine. But I wonder if I'll ever be fine again.

2 comments:

Ben Reichart said...

One day, you will realize that you have created a new " fine " All things are relative. Despite hardship and pain the soul will preserver and it'll be " fine. " Keeping you in prayer.

Anonymous said...

Through the thoughts you've shared in your blog, you have proved what a wise woman you are, with so much love for the people around you, so beautiful both on the outside and the inside. I don't know anything about the realities that makes you sad, but I know that you are a very, very special woman that deserves to know that, and that "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent", as Eleanor Roosevelt said.