There are times when you just know that you're broken. During times of great loss or disappointment, those times when you just can't get yourself out of bed in the morning. Those are the times you know: you are totally in pieces. I'm in one of those times right now. For me its the knowledge that everything I thought I knew, almost everything I believed in, and everything I held in a special place is gone. But at this point I'm not sure that the term "broken" even begins to cover it.
For the first time since I've been an adult I've thought about what a release suicide would be. That sounds very dark, but honestly, I'm no danger to myself - I thought about it - but I didn't contemplate it. There is a difference. But it occurs to me that it seems totally reasonable for someone to think it would be the easiest way out of whatever they're dealing with. Easiest, not best, and certainly not most selfless, because nothing is more selfish than suicide, leaving the people that love you behind to suffer because of your choices. But I do understand it now. For the first time in my life I understand it. And I'm amazed that people would be cruel enough to drive another human to that place, whether they know them or not. Who would do that to another human being? It boggles my mind. I don't even like to tell someone they have something between their teeth. I could never do something that would knowingly cause someone pain.
Of course my nature is more upbeat than that even in the darkest of times. I try to always look on the bright side of things and think about the good that can be accomplished in all circumstances. And my faith in God gives me reason to live because I know that God will always teach me, mold me, make me a better person no matter what I'm dealing with. I thought cancer was hard. My circumstances now are harder. But they aren't fatal. They are difficult, but not defeating. Because I'm not going to let anything defeat me. I'm far too stubborn for that.
They say that living well is the best revenge. I don't know how well I'll be able to live in these circumstances I find myself in, but I do know I will live happily again, and perhaps that's really what living well is all about. I have so much to treasure in this life. And right now those are the things I am holding on dearly to.