Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Late

So its after 11 pm now and here I am blogging. I mean, what else do you do when you can't sleep?

Honestly its my own fault I suppose. Its been a long week of emotional turmoil and it all culminated with an argument with my husband right before bed. The result is he's sleeping away and I'm wide awake wondering why it is that we can be so different in the way we handle things despite the fact that we've been together for 42 years - 44 if you count dating and engagement years. So what's up with the battle of the sexes anyway?

I think so many things right now are feeding into my own self-esteem issues, as well as my resentment toward what I have or have not accomplished in my life. There's something about the realization that your life is nearly over that makes you think a lot about what could have been or should have been and of course what still is to come. Its an odd age I think - this place between retirement and death where you just sort of are. Of course I'm not retired, but its the same issues. So many of my friends are retired and it triggers the same emotions in all of us. What to do with the rest of your life? That's the big question I think.

I don't like to dwell on those questions because I feel as though its not terribly productive. Better I think to get out there and continue doing what means something, making a small difference at least in your own world locally. But still...there are lingering doubts. Have I done enough? Have I permanently damaged my children? Was I a good mother? Have I made a difference in the world? Was my life worth living in terms of the footprint I'll leave behind. So many questions. Big ones that are not my own.

So, at 11:25 at night when I can't sleep I ponder these things. And then I write them down, figuring no one will really see them - but for me at least they're more settled because they're on paper, and then, maybe, sleep will come. And along with sleep comes a new day. And a new day means a refreshed mind. Ad all that means is, as Scarlett said, "Tomrrow is another day".

1 comment:

Ben Reichart said...

I think if we spend our lives trying to " make a difference " to others rather than ourselves, we will always feel a little frustrated. Retirement I think may be that time for " us " or at a very minimum more time for " us " having fulfilled some of our obligations in life. Just like the momma bird, you have to let them fly on their own, and that isn't just with children.