I'm feeling pretty off balance these days. I recently lost my oldest and dearest friend and I'm not sure I'm dealing with it well.
Grief is such a funny thing. Not "ha ha" funny but weird funny. It seems different for every loss and this one is really hitting me like a ton of bricks. This was the one person in my life who understood me completely, knew me intimately, and yet accepted me just as I am without wanting to change me. I was the same for her so it was a mutual thing but I'm angry that she left me. Who will be there for me now?
We first met when we were in the first week of our junior year in high school. She had just transferred from another school and we found ourselves sitting next to each other in homeroom the very first day. I immediately liked her and over the following months we discovered that we were alike in so many ways and our lives became intertwined forever. During the college years when we were apart we wrote almost every day. We talked about the guys in our lives, our hopes and our dreams, and we encouraged each other to be the best we could be. We both settled right here in East Hampton where we helped each other plan our weddings, gave each other baby showers, and held each other up through the tragedies of life. She has been my rock for nearly fifty years. And now that rock is gone and I feel as though my anchor has broken free and I'm simply drifting with the tide.
My life will never be the same, but I doubt many people can even understand the loss. It was the kind of friendship few people are ever blessed with. I am grateful for the gift but somehow resentful for it too because it hurts so much right no. Yes, grief is a funny thing.