Friday, August 26, 2016

Traffic

The August traffic is nearly unbearable here this week. We all know that August is the worst month of the year and this year is no exception. I am so looking forward to Labor Day now!

I drove the ambulance to the hospital once today. One trip was all it took to assure me I didn't want to do it again, despite the fact that the alarm went out at least another 8 times after that. Struggling to get through traffic that has no desire to get out of your way is frustrating and maddening and its all I could do to keep my cool. Once was definitely enough!

Now as I write this blog I'm looking at stop and go traffic, bumper to bumper, right in front of my house, trying to get through the intersections on either end of my spot here and not having much lunch with it. Tomorrow will be worse and I have to drive to Southampton in my car in the morning, i.e. no lights and siren to get me anywhere! Once I get home though I hope to stay. That will be my pleasure for sure.

Labor Day is next week. It simply cannot
come soon enough for me.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

4am

So its 4am and I've been awake for an hour now. I finally gave in to the insomnia and am downstairs doing the things I would normally be doing at 6, which right now means blogging and getting my bank deposit ready. and thinking about things other than the ones keeping me awake.

I've dealt with insomnia before. There was a period of five years right after my cancer treatments ended that I was on a medication and one of the side effects was insomnia. But in that case I would wake every night at about midnight or 1am and then be awake for two hours. It was awful. But at least I would eventually go back to sleep and have a couple hours before I had to get out of bed for the day. This latest torture is worse because I sleep until 3 or 4 and then I awake just enough for my mind to begin churning. With the issues I'm dealing with now I just can't turn it off. I am so full of unanswered questions that its like a slow torture. The thoughts just turn over and over in my head, and none of them can be answered by me so there is never any resolution. If I could go to my computer and look up the answers I could go back to sleep, but that's impossible, so I mull them over, and over, and over ad nauseam. I hate it.

So today my decision was to just get up and start my day. At 4am.

And I know I'm going to regret it tonight...

Good morning all!

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Fall-like

These past few days here on the East End have been absolutely fall-like and I'm loving every minute of it. The humidity is non-existent, the air is cool, and I can comfortably work around my house with no trouble at all, not to mention the fact that with non-working a/c in my car I'm not dying every time I get into it.

I know the humidity will return for at least one spell before we're done with August, but I am loving the comfort this stretch ha afforded. And its making me long for those crisp fall days where a sweater is called for and sleeping with the windows open is such a pleasure. Its the smallest things in life that I treasure. Sometimes they're the only things to hang on to, but at the very least they make life so enjoyable. I find myself watching the sun go down earlier every night and thinking how nice it will be when I can curl up on the couch and simply enjoy the fireplace.

I'm worried about hurricanes this season. I don't know why exactly, although it seems my run f bad luck does put me into the "If it can go wrong it will" category recently since that's the way its going. But the warm water is concerning and an already busy tropical season has me wary as well. We may be due for a bad one but I'll keep my fingers crossed and hope for the best. Just putting away the summer furniture is going to be a huge chore for me this year.

Lots of new things or me to deal with. A new season is only one of them. And so...life goes on.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Artwork

When I was in school I dreamt of being an artist. Or an art teacher. Or maybe a graphic artist. I wasn't sure what exactly, but I wanted to pursue art.

I had a guidance teacher that thought otherwise though

So I never was able to pursue my love of art and I have missed it terribly. But I'm happy to say I've reawakened that passion lately thanks to a friend with an art studio and her willingness to share her knowledge and materials with me. I have discovered the art of glass fusing.

I'm able to spend a few hours in her studio every couple weeks and its been so fulfilling. I'm learning new techniques and vocabulary, and I'm finding my first love again. Its making me very happy. The nights I come home from her studio are my most contented times and during this especially stressful time in my life its been very centering and makes me happy, if only for a time.

Who knew? Of course Grandma Moses was pretty famous once she hit about 80 so maybe I still have time....

Monday, August 22, 2016

Ellen's Run again

Yesterday I walked in Ellen's Run again. It was the seventh year of this event for me, although the first year I was too tired from chemotherapy to actually walk, so it was my 6th year participating.

As always, it was a hot and humid day and I didn't deal with it well. I think I got pretty dehydrated and began to feel nauseous and headachy at about the 2 1/2 mile mark. It was tough going at the end and my lack of planning left me feeling pretty yucky the rest of the day as I'm sure my electrolytes were off and it took my body awhile to recover. It wasn't until this morning that I felt really good again.

Despite that it was a great day. I walked with 7 family members and we had a good time together. We went for breakfast when it was over and the kids enjoyed their usual pancakes and eggs, eating with abandon and enjoying every morsel.

The thing is in this 7th year I still love this event. There's a wonderful love that permeates every moment of it, from the volunteers who work at the registration tables to the folks that bring up the rear of the finish line, there's a palpable feeling of purpose and meaning to it all. As much as I'm sure there are serious runners who don't really care what the money goes to, there are so many people there who have lost, or love, a breast cancer patient/survivor. Clearly not all the participants walk 3.1 miles very often and some of them struggle to make it in. It is a labor of love, completely.

It's a very special event. And I'm thrilled to be part of it.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

New life

So I'm discovering many things in my new life alone. I'm finding an independence I didn't know I still had after all these years. I'm beginning to appreciate peace and alone time. I'm learning to do thing for myself, that I want to do and when I want to do them. And I'm learning that there are adventures out there I can still explore. I'm adjusting to life alone, just as everyone told me I would.

I would never have chosen this change in my life. I miss my old life and I hate that this happened to me. But I am in general a positive person and I'm not the type to sit around feeling sorry for myself. I have my moments, but I don't allow them to last. I pick myself up and move on, knowing that attitude is always half the battle. I've faced other challenges in my life and I've always managed to deal with them. I know I can do the same this time.

Lately I've been reading a lot. I always loved reading but found it difficult to do in a small house with no quiet space. But now, I find myself curling up on the couch with a good book and suddenly hours have passed. I started a new novel yesterday by Dan Brown and already I'm having a hard time stopping to go to bed at night. Its a pretty long book but I think I'll have it done in a week. I need to start looking at the NY
Times bestsellers lists again, something I haven't done in many years now.

I also started a project here at the house, prepping a room for painting and working toward some other home projects as well. With cooler months ahead its a good time to work on physical challenges. We did all the work on this house when we were younger, and as much as I've enjoyed being able to pay other people to do these manual jobs in more recent years, I can and will manage them myself. As much as I resent being put in this position at this point in my life, after working so long toward  more comfortable and easier retirement years, I am capable and I will persevere.

I'm feeling pretty energized at the moment, reminded of my skills and abilities and working toward accentuating the positive, as the old song encourages us to do. Because I don't want to spend my final years being sad and living with regrets. Hopefully I'll be beyond the sadness soon. Because there's still a lot of living to do.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Predawn

This has become my favorite part of the day: the hour before 7am.

I never used to get out of bed before 6 and often stayed in until 7. This was because as in so many areas I deferred to my husband who wanted to get up and out by 6:20 so I simply put my own desires on hold and stayed put, waiting for him to vacate the bathroom and leave for the morning. Now that I'm alone I have forever recaptured that hour for myself and find that I'm never in bed after 6am,  most mornings I'm up earlier, about 5. For the first time in over fifty years my own needs and desires are coming first. And I'm rather enjoying it.

I love the darkness first thing in the morning and I love seeing the light slowly come up in this part of the world. There's something magical about that emergent world and everything seems fresh and new. As the light slowly appears, vague, dark shapes begin to define themselves and come into sharper focus. The air is quiet and cool and my spirits are buoyed by a good night of sleep and plans for the day ahead. I find I'm never more upbeat and ready for whatever I'm facing than in those early moments before dawn.

The light is amazing too as it streams through treetops and forms shadows everywhere. And here I am, not even 7:00 today but I'm all ready to head to the dump, stop at the grocery store, and get myself organized for a busy day.

This is my new time of day and I'm never giving it back again....